You know, horror movies have become so cynical. Every one of them can be interpreted into life lessons we should all take to heart if we want to live long, healthy, and murder-free lives.
“Don’t go out into the woods at night.”
“Avoid creepy loners.”
“Always make sure the killer is dead before dropping your weapon.”
I’m here to tell you that horror movies are not specialists in criminal behavior. They are not infallible. In fact, as far as I can tell, they’ve become drunk with power by bending the public to their will in believing what is right and wrong. Well I say enough is enough! It’s time to set the record straight and let you all in on some secrets the horror film industry doesn’t want you to know.
The truth will set you free!
- All medical experiments are done for the good of humanity.
- The best place to spend time with friends is in an isolated cabin/house/hotel. Be sure to bring plenty of alcohol to lubricate any awkward social anxieties and ensure a good time.
- Sometimes that lone stranger on the side of the road just needs a ride to the nearest gas station.
- There are no such things as “real” psychics so any one telling you something evil is coming or there’s a darkness in your future, take it with a grain of salt.
- Everything your parents have ever done was just to protect you. It will never come back to bite them, or you, in the ass.
- Space is a vast and complex place, full of wonders and adventures untold.
- Never be afraid to explore unfamiliar surroundings, especially alone. It’s the one time you can really learn about you without all the distractions of everyday life.
- Read every book, scroll, tome, plaque, letter, parchment, and notebook you find. If you can’t read the language, find a translator immediately. ALL knowledge is beneficial.
- ALWAYS take the road less traveled. Robert Frost ain’t famous for being a bad poet, you know.
- If you hear strange noises while home alone, you must investigate. What if there’s a broken window and water is leaking into your basement? Are you going to wait for someone else to check it out? By then the damage may be catastrophic. Don’t be such a pussy.
- Look upon every holiday and anniversary as a joyous occasion, meant to be spent reveling with friends and loved ones.
- All authority figures (police, judges, military personnel) are trustworthy and honest. Put your faith in their abilities to serve and protect the public’s interest and well-being.
- Keeping a few secrets is fine. It’s what makes life interesting.
- There are no such things as ghosts or spirits. Everything can be explained logically in time. Stick to your convictions.
- Likewise curses, voodoo, witchcraft, vampires, werewolves, zombies, aliens (and their viruses), demonic possession, and soul-housing dolls do not exist. The only thing to fear is fear itself. And Sasquatch. That bitch is real, y’all.
- Large families from the secluded wooded hills in the American south are some of the most hospitable and generous folks you’ll ever meet.
- When a man/woman is staring at you from across the bar/dance floor/restaurant, smile. He/she obviously wants to get to know you better. Why not buy him/her a drink? Put yourself out there and meet new people.
- There’s never a bad time to have a slumber party.
- College is not only a place of higher learning but the perfect time to experiment with new ideas and activities. Take an ancient language class; join that new “nighttime only” club with all the really pale students; help your Archeology professor uncover those ancient ruins in the desert. Expand your horizons.
- The safest place in the world to be is home.