I know the big question on everyone’s mind, and obviously the subject of heated debate around many a dinner table, is the question of who exactly is going to take over the earth in the future.
You’ve probably been asking yourself that question a lot lately. You may be scanning the news coming from Washington to hear what government and military officials are saying, like the warning released by the CDC a couple years ago about preparing for a zombie apocalypse. If you’re preparing a shelter to save you and your loved ones for when the horror films become reality, you’re probably the person who gets taken out at the beginning of the movie.
Let’s look at the contenders and see where they stand. There are aliens, robots and talking apes, along with your classic zombies, werewolves and vampires. And let’s not forget the mummies… well, actually I think we can forget about the mummies. They were mostly wiped out during the Great Charmin Shortage of ‘94.
A decade ago it seemed like the most likely groups to conquer the earth were robots and talking apes. Thankfully, Charlton Heston stopped the ape revolution, and as long as we keep bananas in good supply, they aren’t likely to revolt any time soon.
Robots, however, are still on the table. Scientists are conducting studies to determine the correlation between the use of extension cords and likelihood of a robot attack. Progress is slow, but with enough time and a little bit of luck, they’ll crack that puzzle.
Aliens are always a viable threat, but NASA reportedly has nearly a dozen top men with binoculars working around the clock to watch the skies. And we salute them for it.
Mad, smelly, with razor sharp teeth and claws, werewolves appear to have an insatiable bloodlust. They come out at night and attack mostly in rural regions. Although the occasional werewolf attack is bound to happen, they will never be the ones to take over the earth. How can they be expected to lead a revolution when they only work one day a month? House cats are more active than that!
Vampires have changed their strategy is recent years, and it’s something we all need to be aware of. The classic Bela Lugosi look became too widespread and a new image is throwing the rest of us off. Thanks to a series of disgustingly popular books and movies, most people are now on the lookout for anyone with long teeth, cold eyes and… sparkly skin.
We will be looking for all the wrong people. “That can’t be a vampire,” we’ll say while being stalked by a man in a cape. “He isn’t sparkly.” Then, Bam! It’s too late.
Zombies: they’re the slow-moving, brain-eating undead with the good looks of Keith Richards. “That zombie is a block away,” one might say. “I’ll just watch Ben-Hur really quick before I run away.” Hours later, you’re surrounded by them. That’s their strength – they’ve got numbers. It’s a hundred of them or nothing.
We need to pay attention to zombies, as well as maintain regular exercise to outrun them. Vampires are just a nuisance for the time being. Remember that they don’t actually sparkle in the sun — they just want you to think they do.
Taylor Swift’s wonderful personality seems to be keeping the aliens away for now, and, again, we have top men watching the skies just in case. Go to your local pet store and purchase a bucket of chew bones; toss one of those to a werewolf and he’ll chomp on it instead of you. The same thing goes for bananas with apes.
And for goodness sake, let’s all just agree not to build any robots that run on batteries.