Silent Night Deadly Night Series Review: Part 5

And here we are. Finally. I can’t say I will rest easy when I post this as I imagine I’ll be having Christmas nightmares for weeks to come.

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Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker wraps up this series with a story about a toy maker and his penchant for killer toys. Joe Petto and his son, Pino, run Petto’s Toy Shop in town.

His name is Joe Petto. I’m not sure if you caught that. JOE PETTO is the toy maker. Are you. Fucking. Kidding me? Pino is the kid. PINO. Have you picked up on the clever writing here??? I’m pretty sure with all this subterfuge you’ll NEVER guess the ending.

Anyway…

Derek, a young boy who witnesses his father’s murder at the hands of a toy meant for him, shuts down and stops talking. 2 weeks later, he’s still freaked out but his mom, Sarah, really can’t live like this anymore. She needs to get their lives back in order.

Um, it’s been 2 weeks. I think it’s okay to mourn a little longer but whatever…

A mysterious stranger keeps hanging around, trying to get close to Derek and Sarah, and keeping a close eye on Joe and Pino. It’s hard to tell who the bad guys are until the stranger catches up with Sarah alone and they start making out. Turns out Noah (the stranger) is an old lover, Derek’s real dad, and has been watching the Pettos for a while. Strange deaths have been happening after people buy toys from Petto and Noah is here to stop them.

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We’re here to talk to you about our Lord and savior, Kris Kringle.

Then things take a very surreal turn (read: lame as shit) as we discover what’s really happening at Joe Petto’s toy shop.

Oh boy.

I have to admit I’m happy that at least this film actually happens at Christmas and there is a Santa thrown in the mix (though he’s not the killer here). I also like Noah, just your average nice guy who’s trying to do the right thing.

Otherwise this movie just sucks. The ridiculous attempts at clever writing; the trying so hard to link this film to the disaster of #4 (Hello, Kim and Lonnie, a larvae toy, Clint Howard); lackluster acting. Even Mickey Rooney couldn’t save this one. Or perhaps he made it worse. Hard to tell.

Though I’m not quite as sad after watching this as I was with the last one, I’m seriously disappointed the series went out on such an uninspired note. Unless you count the final scene of the mannequin flashing electricity in its eyes and distant laughing as a possible opening for Number 6.

STOP. JUST STOP IT.

0 Hatchets (out of 5)

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