By now you are probably well aware of my infatuation of B-Movies based off my reviews on the site or from my podcast, “Obi Wan’s Beard” (shameless plug). You might also be aware I hold them to a different standard. So with being said let’s jump into this…
So three chicks from the cast of [insert you’re favorite young adult CW show] decide to go to Thailand to “help kids read and stuff or whatever”. There’s the smart, pretty brunette one, the ditzy pretty bleached blonde one, and the rebellious pretty actual blonde one-rebel yell and bubblicious are sisters.
Upon arrival to this strange and wondrous land, the bad girl of the group steals a locket from inside a “spirit house” (think a fancy bird house, but instead of feeding barred cuckooshrike’s from it’s perch you feed and bestow gifts to you’re dead loved ones) resting outside the guest house they are staying in. Inside the big empty house, the girls stumble upon a creepy gold statue of a young child.
(Oh, forgot to mention before we see this young girl and lady get hacked up by two crazy Thai’s. Now the gold flak tot makes sense…anyways)
Living next store to our girl scouts is an old man with deep forebodings. With a stern warning, he accuses the three of stealing from the spirit house that is keeping the soul of his lost daughter–do you get it now–spoiler the statue is the dead girl–run you idiots run!
Instead they go shopping, get hammered at a bar, and hook up with future cover models of DoucheBag Monthly. Using less than 1% of you’re brain I’m sure you can guess what happens these hapless lounge lizards.
Since you’re all going to run out and watch I will refrain from spoiling the plot anymore.
Look, honestly it’s not as terrible I make it sound. Pernicious has two good things going for it:
One: The three leads. Ciara Hanna (Power Rangers MegaForce) , Emily O’Brian ( The Young And The Restless) and Jackie Moore ( Atlanic Rim) are talented. Collectively they capture the sadistic sides of thier characters with B-Movie zeal.
Two: Gore. There’s a lot of it and it looks wicked. No cgi, expect for the demon statue girl, and it what you want, a big bloody mess.
This is what hampers Pernicious: dialogue and originality. It was like watching a blender of a dozen different Asian horror flicks tracked with a recording of college freshmen debating which flavor of pucker tastes the yummiest. As direction goes, it’s steady and even. Director James Cullen Bressack knows gore and camp well and continues to sharpening his knives in every outing. I’ll admit I totally dug his Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (also starring Ciara Hanna) that he did for Animal Planet a few years back. For me, I just couldn’t overcome the deja’ vu this flick was sending out.
If you love cheese, if you love gore, if you love seeing girls killing peeps, you’ll probably enjoy Pernicious. But for me, I couldn’t get over the predictability.