MOVIE REVIEW: The Hobbit: The Battle Of Five Armies

At this point reviewing The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies is pointless. Much like reviewing an ICP record or even Kurt Cameron’s latest cinematic abortion ( That joke burns twice cause he hates abortions!) those that are going to spend money and partake in the entertainment they offer are doing so no matter what is written about them on the internet. I could report that Peter Jackson’s last entry in The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings series is nothing but a 2 and 1/2 hour pro-NAMBLA documentary and it would not stop one person from seeing the film. Having seen the film I can report that it is very light on pro pedophilia (pretty much non-existent) and The Battle of Five Armies is the best of the Hobbit trilogy. Peter Jackson going out on a home run!

The Battle of Five Armies kicks off right where Desolation Of Smaug left off and we are treated to 15 minutes of fire-breathing badassness. I could watch an entire movie with just Smaug burning down buildings and snacking on the villagers. Sort of like the movie Dragonheart with out Sean Connery and all the sucking. Of Benedict Cumberbatch is voicing Smaug and with out a doubt gives the best performance of the film and that is saying a lot. With a cast made of heavy hitters like McKellen, Freeman and Evans it’s weird to think a voice actor can steal the show. But I guess the LOTR series has a long history of excellent voice and CGI driven performances. Hell, we wouldn’t even know the name Andy Serkis if it wasn’t for the Jackson’s pushing the limits of CGI. I doubt Cumberbatch will be excepting Oscars as Smaug, but he damn well deserves one.

Even though Smaug only gets a fraction of the screen time here, that’s not to say the action dies with him. Jackson was able to keep the gas pedal pressed pretty evenly throughout the entire movie. Even when there isn’t any Orcs getting their heads hacked off  the movie kept my attention and even managed to get a few chuckles out of me. But don’t get me wrong, the second half smorgasbord of axe slinging, dwarf battling, invisible hobbit awesomeness.

BoFA is the most action packed movie of the lot and it all looks amazing. I’m not some ass-hat who acts like he went to film school and knows about how movies are made. What I do know is when something looks good or not and BoFA looks fan-fucking-tastic in 3-D IMAX. The only way to see this flick is by laying down the extra coin and wearing those awesome glasses. If you like me you will at least 4 times during the movie lift the glasses up to see the screen and then quickly drop them back on your nose. Not sure why I still do this, I just know that I do…

Peter Jackson has been reading the message boards and delivered a finale that the fans wanted.  A nice tight ending that didn’t seem to drag on and continue to end 17 different times. Now that it’s over I must admit that I am little sad that there wont be anymore movies in the Tolkien universe. Who the hell am I kidding!?!? This is Hollywood baby, there can milk any beloved property dry! No one act to surprise when they announce The Hobbit sequel that is a prequel to Lord of the Rings…

Please follow and like us: