MOVIE REVIEW: Cooties

I love my children more than anything but when you have children of your own, you have to spend more time around other children. That’s when you begin to realize children are essentially nothing more than little assholes. I also happen to have friends who are teachers and they love their jobs. Being around all those children, even they know, kids are assholes. So when a film like COOTIES comes along, as offensive as it may be to some, others may relish seeing all these little monsters get what’s coming to them.

Clint (Elijah Wood) is an aspiring writer who lives with his mom. He recently moved back in with her after a failed attempt at making it in New York. He takes a substitue teacher job at the local elementary school where his childhood crush Lucy (Allison Pill) is employed. While catching up with her, he’s introduced to her dick-ish gym teacher boyfriend Wade (Rainn Wilson). As this love triangle begins to form, little do they know there’s some tainted chicken nuggets going around causing the children to become infected with a virus, turning them into bloodthirsty zombies. The teachers are trapped inside the school and surrounded by the rabid little bastards. They will have to put aside all of their differences in order to survive the onslaught they’re about to face. It’s teachers vs. students and the odds are stacked against them, who will survive?

I remember when it was unheard of to see a child get slaughtered in a film, boy, how times have changed. COOTIES doesn’t pull any punches in that department. They’re dispatched in gruesome fashion and it’s often quite humorous. The mixture of practical effects and CGI was very well balanced and there’s plenty of it. The laughs are hit or miss, thankfully it predominantly leans more on the hit side. The characters tend to be nothing more than traditional stereotypes but how can you not love the cast? Rainn Wilson stands out as well as Leigh Whannell (writer/director INSIDIOUS 3) who is one of the most socially awkward characters I’ve ever seen in a horror film and he’s great. I’ve really been enjoying the career choices Elijah Wood has made in his post LORD OF THE RINGS era. COOTIES is just another example of his cinematic rebirth. This movie also has Peter Kwong in it (Rain from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA) and he kicks ass!! How cool is that? While the story is thin, directors Jonathan Milott and Cary Murnion are able to swirl this simple tale into a rip-roaring good time. For every teacher who has had to deal with an ignorant little bastard, this one is for you. COOTIES is a hilarious tale, packed with humor, action, and good old fashioned gore. Check this one out!

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