Here’s The Movies SJP Can’t Wait For In 2015!!

In Movies by Slackjaw0 Comments

Brand spanking new Mad Max, Jurassic Park, Star Wars and Phantasm movies can mean only one of two things: A) either Duff has successfully risen the dark lord and sold his soul or 2) Nerds have taken over Hollywood. I think the latter has it on this one. What ever the reason may be there are a ton of great movies to look forward to this year. To add a little flavor to the article I asked the fellas (and Felletes. Keeping things PC) to add a movie they feel will under perform or shit the bed. Take a look and tell us what you think in the comments.

 

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-Jake’s Picks-

 

American Sniper- Clint EastwoodSniper

I know it’s close to release, but it’s already gaining a huge buzz for 2015.  The story of the most bad ass sniper in United States history.  Clint Eastwood directed with Bradley Cooper starring, can it get anymore badass than that.

Jurassic

Jurassic World- Colin Trevorrow

I remember being in the Star Lincoln Park 8 theatre watching Jurassic Park in awe.  Let’s pretend The Lost World never happened.  Jurassic Park III rekindled my love, let’s hope Jurassic World shames me how I like my lovers.

Insidious Chapter 3- Leigh Whannell

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At first I was worried because James Wan wasn’t directing.  Then I saw the trailer and it gave me faith in Leigh Whannell.  I still hope Fast and Furious 7 crashes like Paul Walker…too soon.

Movie Most Likely To Shit The Bed:

Mortdecai- David Koepp

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If you have seen Tusk you’ve already seen Johnny Depp act like an asshole and ruin a movie in the last thirty minutes.  So here is your opportunity for Depp to take an hour and forty-six minutes of your life basically acting like the same eccentric asshole he does in every movie.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again Depp’s approach to nearly every roll to me seems like one of a flamboyant gay man.

SJFB

 -Some Jerk From Boston’s Picks-

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Kingsman: The Secret Service- Matthew Vaughn

I’ve spent time on Reddit, I’m well aware that chavs are the British equivalent of “gangsta rednecks”, but despite one of the protagonists looking like a twat, this flick looks like a fun action film; something we’ve been lacking for quite some time now.

 Chappie

Chappie – Neill Blomkamp

Why am I excited for this? I don’t fuckin’ know. When I saw the trailer, I thought that director Neill Blomkamp was heard yelling “Johnny Five is aliiiive!” and a producer threw him a bunch of money not realizing that Neill just saw Short Circuit. Despite this, Blomkamp deals with big ideas and even though his plots fall apart at times, I’m willing to sit through some bullshit to see some outside the box storytelling.

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Minions- Kyle Balda & Pierre Coffin

I had Avengers, Mad Max, Star Wars, and Jurassic World on my list of eager to see films of 2015, but Minions has a special place in my heart. Despicable Me 1 and 2 were funny, touching, and thoughtful films (to me; everyone has their own opinion even those heartless monsters who hate it) and this looks like more of that. So yes, I’m eager to see Minions because I believe it will make me happy. Sue me.

 

 

Movie Most Likely To Shit The Bed:

 

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Seventh Son- Sergey Bodrov

Though I had everything from a confusing reboot to a fucking Entourage movie to choose from, I believe Seventh Son will be the shittiest of the year. Normally, if you pitched me a Big Lebowski reunion mixed with Dungeons and Dragons and named it after an Iron Maiden song, I don’t think I’d stop ejaculating for a month. But that trailer…that humorless, poorly written, lazily acted cesspool of a trailer…it’s a waste of talent and a black hole for hope. THIS is the worst thing a movie can be and why I picked it.
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-Felix’s Picks-

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31- Rob Zombie

Kidnap, Murder, and Evil Clowns! Oh My! This Rob Zombie horror flick has all the bells and whistles you could ever want for a good time. Five people get kidnapped in the days nearing Halloween and must survive a game called 31 in fucked up Narnia aka Murder World where the only way out is through surviving 12 hours against a gang of evil clowns. So basically they stole the plot to every family gathering I’ve ever been to.

Crimson Peak- Guillermo Del Toro

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I’d watch Guillermo del Toro take a deuce for two hours because that man shits more talent daily than laxative enthusiasts. Family tragedy sweeps an aspiring author away to a house that bleeds and temptation tears her heart between two men. My ovaries just high-fived and reserved a ticket on Fandango.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Movie That Will Shit The Bed:

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The Boy Next Door- Rob Cohen

Jennifer Lopez as a single mom who has a fling with a much younger man who turns out to be a student in her class that develops a spiraling obsession with her? What could possibly go wrong? I’ll take Movies I’d Light My Face On Fire Before Watching for $1200, Alex.

 

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-Corey’s Picks-

Instead of picking the obvious films for my most anticipated list (STAR WARS, AVENGERS, FF7, etc), I’m excited about some smaller films, ones that may sneak in under the radar but are no less crucial to feeding my cinematic appetite for the year. Without further ado:

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3. PHANTASM: RAVAGER – David Hartman

The PHANTASM series has consistently delivered the frights and fun since the first film debuted in 1978. To see the original cast reunited once again 37 years later overpowers the fact Don Coscarelli isn’t returning as director (thankfully he was heavily involved) and is helmed by long-time collaborator David Hartman. Even cooler is the fact they filmed this thing in secret so when they announced the film, principal photography was already complete and seeing the Tall Man once last time is now reality.

2. KRAMPUS – Michael Dougherty

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Not much is known about it other than Michael Dougherty is co-writing and directing the film for Legendary Pictures. Based on the legend of the Krampus who is a demon that punishes the naughty during Christmas, Dougherty knows holiday horror, delivering one of the best Halloween set horror films in a decade with TRICK R’ TREAT. To see him tackle another holiday in a similar format as his previous directorial effort makes this essential. Hopefully the studio doesn’t handle it the same way Warner Brothers did TRICK R’ TREAT, but since Legendary has set up a sequel to that film for 2016, I think we’ll be alright.

1. I AM THOR – Ryan Wise

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While this is a documentary and not a horror film, it does have its roots closely tied to the genre. The film follows Jon Mikl Thor who starred in the classic ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE as he attempts to launch a comeback and tries to earn the respect he deserves. The former bodybuilder turned rock god was followed for 15 years by filmmakers Ryan Wise and Alan Higbee who were able to capture all of the ups and downs of his life and career while trying to give the fans what they want and keeping the spirit of rock and roll alive. This film has me more excited than any other and is premiering at the SLAMDANCE Film Festival later this month.

Movie That Will Shit The Bed:

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Poltergeist- Gil Kenan

There are plenty of horror films coming out this year that will be less than welcome. For me, the remake of POLTERGEIST can (for lack of a better term) suck my balls. The original film has held up over the years and still delivers today as much as it did when it was released. I can count on one hand the remakes that did justice to the source material and the odds are stacked against it. They’ve been talking about remaking it for years and aside from the casting of Sam Rockwell, this one sounds like a huge mistake. Leave perfection alone and I know this might be a crazy idea but, maybe Hollywood should quit being so fucking lazy and try to squeeze an original idea out of those tiny little pea heads they have.

 

 

Jay

 

-Jay’s Picks-

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1. Avengers: Age of Ultron -Joss Whedon

I’ve probably watched the trailer about a billion times now and I’m ready for the Hulk vs. Hulkbuster fight. I’m also interested to see if they are going to make Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch into Inhumans……oh and seeing Scarlett Johansson’s rump squeezed into tight black leather is something I will never get sick of.

2. Phantasm: Ravager- David Hartman

Phantasm-V-Ravager-teaser_big

I love this horror movie franchise! Getting to see Angus Scrimm play the Tall Man again is something I never thought I would get to see. I’m also intrigued to see how someone else will handle the reins, since Don Coscarelli isn’t directing this one.

3.Poltergeist- Gil Kenan

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Ok Poltergeist scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. The god damn clown toy under the bed nearly ruined my childhood. With Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert producing the remake my interest is definitely piqued to see where they go with this remake.

The Movie That Will Shit The Bed:

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31- Rob Zombie

I’m just going to assume that this is going to be another turd from Rob Zombie since all but one of his movies have sucked. The cast hasn’t been announced yet, but I’m going to guess that his wife and a handful of washed up actors that he casts from a horror convention will star in it.

 

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-Ben’s Picks-

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1. Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens

Ok, I’ll admit I was just as giddy for the prequels.

But then Lucas betrayed me quicker than a Sith Lord with his Jar Jar, Clones, and Samuel L Jackson . ( SLJ as a Jedi, really? And who was the guy in the room telling George, “Yeah this is awesome”)

Shame on me, and moving on.

I like what JJ did with Star Trek, he made it fun, some thing the original Star Wars trilogy always was. Great one liners, memorable characters, good villains, great effects, and comprehensible narrative; this is what I’m hoping JJ brings back.

Have I renewed my Star Wars Fan Club membership yet? No. But I have my credit card close just in case The Force Awakens comes through.

2. Jurassic World- Colin Trevorrow

Jurassic

Every kid loves dinos, and so does this 34 year old man child. I think I was the original in the theater fives times, and can’t tell you how many times on DVD since. After the first viewing, I went and bought the book, read it several times over.

The sequels were ahhh, at best. Though there were some decent thrills in each.

But this one just looks right. Pratt made me a believer with this performance in Guardians.

Dinolicious? Maybe.

3. Mad Max: Fury Road- George Miller

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Just watch the trailer. My goodness!

If you still need reason to see this, you have be blind.

George Miller is back!

(oh, I am hoping for a Gibson cameo though)

Movie Most Likely To Shit The Bed:

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Terminator Genisys- Alan Taylor

T1 & T2 are classics, the second one is clearly Cameron’s best film. ( sorry blue people and drowning people)

Based off the toilet there is just nothing that remotely interests me. I am curious to see Matt smith, but other than that I can’t think of any reason.

The only person I want to see back–is Cameron when it comes to Terminators.

chad

-Chad’s Picks-

kingsman

1. Kingsmen: The Secret Service- Matthew Vaughn

This movie will be amazing! Michael Caine and Samuel Jackson in one movie with guns, explosions and spies! What isn’t to love?
Also, maybe we will finally see a really good independent comic book movie…

2. Jurassicworld- Colin Trevorrow

Jurassic

Is there any reason why I should explain why I’m excited about this movie? Growing up I loved the Jurassic Park series, I had the toys! Because everything was made into a toy back in the 90s, and also this has a Universal Studio like park attractions in it but with dinosaurs…which what could possibly go wrong with that!? Let the carnage begin!

Movie That Will Shit The Bed:

Pixels- Chris Columbus

pixels

Adam Sandler hasn’t put out a good movie in a long time, and I mean a very long time, and as cool of a movie plot that this is (which spawns from a short film by Patrick Jean) I can’t see this film actually being decent especially since Adam Sandler movies always feel so rushed and clunky. This will probably be a real stinker.

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