Another year another slew of food/movies/comic books/awful human beings who have let me down. As far as standards go I almost have next to none when it comes to my entertainment. You are looking at a guy who owns every movie starring Bruce Campbell, so you know I set the bar low. Apparently that bar is not set low enough. As is my life it never fails that 12 months passes and I get my heart-broken by events or movies that barely register on most people’s radars. While a lot of amazing pieces of art (I use that term loosely) went down in 2013, a couple always rear back and kick me square in the nuts.
– Old Boy and Evil Dead Remakes
Years of Hollywood’s diarrhea-esque approach to remaking every film that hasn’t been release in the past 10 days has left me feeling like the lead character from I Spit On Your Grave: beating and raped, lying in a puddle of tears, blood and god knows what else. Much like our lead heroine I am now on a one woman hellbent course of revenge! Unlike our heroine I opted out of genital mutilation as a form of revenge and decided to start a website and just whine about them with my friends. So in some weird less exciting Twilight Zone twist I now perversely look forward to remakes and eagerly await to tear them apart and 2013 (much like every year) had a slew of titles begging to be picked apart in fanboy fashion.
Among this list rested two films that I hold near and dear to my cholesterol clogged heart: Old Boy and Evil Dead. The originals are films I use to hold up against all films. Both are near perfect in my humbled opinion and when word of the remakes hit my ears I was started a Rocky-esque work out montage in preparation for the hate I was going to unleash (instead of working and running picture a lot of pizza being consumed and movies being watched. Yeah I know, not anywhere as fun). How dare the powers that been even consider tarnishing these works of cinematic art with crappy cash grabs! I was so ready to hate. Then something happened. Something unexpected and out of character. I actually enjoyed both of these remakes. Neither felt like a cheap recap of a beloved franchise. Both were well written, shot and perfectly cast….GODDAMMIT! If Hollywood stays on this course what the hell is a reclusive basement dweller suppose to do with his free time? Spend it sharing quality time with his wife and kids?!?! Well screw you Hollywood! I’ll be damned if I am going to not hate!
– Hostess Twinkies
What an awful game of tug o war the evil bastards at Hostess played with my heart. When word that the Hostess was going under hit I was fell into a dark pit of despair and suicidal thoughts plague my waking hours. Surely this was some sort of elaborate hoax spread by some evil health food whack job. Sadly this was not the case. Hostess had indeed files for bankruptcy and would no longer be manufacturing those delicious golden logs of heaven filled goodness. After being talked off a ledge by fellow Slack Jaw and life partner, Jake, I committed to months of therapy and hardwork. After countless intense slap therapy sessions (now that I think about I’m almost positive “Slap Therapy” is not a real thing. I also do not remember Jake getting his doctrine….) I finally came to accept living in a Twinkie free world. Then came the disappointment: Twinkie came back! All those months of self loathing and questioning not just myself, but the very meaning of life itself for nothing! You sick evil bastards! How dare you put me through that! That’s why from this day forth I only enjoy Little Debbie brand of processed pastry snacks.
– Pope Francis
I don’t know about you folks but I have grown to believe that any leader of any church is probably in it for the wrong reasons. Much like politicians I believe they might have jumped on board with the best intentions but somewhere down the path they are lead astray. So when Pope Francis was announced to be the next to wear that ridiculous hat and driving around in the worlds most expensive golf cart, I was gearing up for a nazi youth denying ( swear to god that Pope Benedict was a nazi youth! Google it!) pedophile covering, hypocrite just as I have grown accustomed to. Slowly stories began trickling in (mostly via Facebook, yes the MOST reliable place to receive Information about the Pope!) about how the Francis was….gasp!….a decent human being! Feeding the poor, shunning worldly possessions and spreading a message that we are supposed to “love” one another no matter what! What the hell is this world coming to! A religious figure I can look up to and trust?!?! Next thing you know pharmaceutical companies will admit they do have a cure for cancer and it’s made out of pizza… Well I can dream can’t I….
– Does Disney Have To Own Everything!!
Jesus Christ Disney! Do you have to own everything!?!? Coca Cola, McDonald’s, Island/Def-Jam Records, Pixar and the list goes on! Disney must be stopped! If we don’t unite and act quick we could soon enough be paying our mortgages in Disney Bucks and eating a steady diet of churros and chocolate cover bananas (that joke only works if you’ve been to Disney World).
Well 2013 brought two more properties to the ever-growing list of shit I love being ass raped by a mouse! Both Star Wars and Indiana Jones are now bent over lubed up and ready for rodent insertion. It’s no secret that J.J. Abrams is signed up to direct 3 more sequels to Star Wars (yeah I said sequels not abortion prequels), but no word is out yet what is planned for Indiana Jones. Whatever that nazi mouse has planned for Dr. Jones has to be better than Lebouf befriending monkeys and crystal aliens. Jesus can Lucas and Spielberg really fuck up hugely successful franchise they created.
Yeah 2013 was a kick in the nuts as usual and mostly it was due to my own cynicism and low standards. Maybe I should stop being so negative and start looking on the bright side…. Who knows maybe next year I can do a Bub’s Biggest Awesomeness list! Who the hell am I kidding. If it’s not deep-fried and covered in bacon I’m probably going to hate it!