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Drunken Monkey Movie Series Review: Puppet Master, Puppet Master II (1990)

Okay. I’m really really buzzed right now since I was in control of making my own drinks tonight. Nothing like being unsupervised and completely ignorant of how to cocktail properly, amiright? Three drinks later… As usual, I’m warning you that I might divulge some spoilers as my internal editor is sleeping off a 3-day bender in Tijuana. The aptly named …

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Drunken Monkey Movie Review – PUPPET MASTER SERIES

All righty, folks. I’ve got another film franchise review for you. This time around I’ll be reviewing all 11 Puppet Master films. It will include the Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys which, technically, isn’t really part of the timeline but was thrown in somewhere in the middle. So…you’re welcome. Wasn’t someone supposed to stop me from doing this franchise review …

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Drunken Monkey Movie Review – Get Out (2017)

All righty. I’m gonna say something controversial, I think. And it’s a bit of a spoiler for this review. I didn’t like this movie. I went in with high hopes. I loved the trailers. Other people loved it. Surely I wasn’t wrong in expecting greatness. Yeah… Before I get into it, remember that I’m drunk and I may reveal a …

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Love Gone Wrong

Ah, Valentine’s Day. That time of year when love is in the air, Cupid is flittering about with his quiver of arrows, and people in general are swept up in the Hallmark™ hysteria involving candy, flowers, jewelry, and a whole lotta ‘bow-chicka-bow-wow’. I’m not here to talk about that kinda love. I’m here to shed some light on that lesser …

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Drunken Monkey Movie Review – Split (2017)

You know, for my drunken reviews I feel that I’m only talking about total shit and not any movies I’ve actually enjoyed. I’ve only been giving out hangover ratings. No one has earned any margaritas yet. Why am I such an angry monkey? Since I just watched a film in the theater that was pretty awesome, I figured I’d get …

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Silent Night Deadly Night Series Review: Part 5

And here we are. Finally. I can’t say I will rest easy when I post this as I imagine I’ll be having Christmas nightmares for weeks to come. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker wraps up this series with a story about a toy maker and his penchant for killer toys. Joe Petto and his son, Pino, run …

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Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review: Part 4 – Initiation

*weeps into my Cheerios* Why? Whhhyyyyyyyyyy? Day four brings us Initiation: Silent Night Deadly Night 4, a film which has ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CONNECTION TO THE FIRST THREE SAVE FOR A QUICK CLIP FROM #3 WHILE A CHARACTER WATCHES TV. Fucking weak. Basically the fourth movie in the series is all about girl power, witchcraft, and how useless men are …

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Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review: Part 3

Once more into the breach…oh, gods. Help me. Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out (really?) at least begins with an interesting premise. Dr. Newbury is performing a dream study with a blind woman, Laura. May not seem all that unusual but here’s the twist – she’s psychic and the doc wants to see if she can link up …

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Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review – Part 2

Remember how I said Part One of this series had lazy writing? Well forget that. I’m pretty sure the creative geniuses for this movie took longer to finish up their post coffee morning dump than to write this screenplay. Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part 2 begins with Ricky, the younger brother of the serial killer Santa from the first film. He’s in …

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Silent Night, Deadly Night Series Review

I’m not exactly sure why I get myself into these situations. Oh, I know HOW I do it. I just open my mouth and…hey now… I did a set of movie reviews for the Child’s Play series a while back. And as much fun as I had with that one (truly, it was as much fun as pouring lemon juice …

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Drunken Monkey Movie Reviews – Shut In (2016)

The trailer people totally fooled me on this movie and I’m super annoyed. It’s teased as some kind of supernatural horror story but it’s totally not and fuck those guys for playing me. (Reminder: SPOILERS are possible here as my internal editor is allergic to tequila and is looking for his Epi pen right now) Shut In is about Mary …

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Spaghetti Man (2016) Movie Review

I have to admit I did not have high hopes for this. That’s what happens when one watches a metric SHIT TON of terrible movies to review. But now I’m happy to say that this one surprised me with its humor, silliness, and super hot bad guy. Spaghetti Man is about Clark, an absolute lazy, cynical, loser asshole who can’t …

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Evil Gene (2015) Movie Review

Can people be bad because it’s in their genes? What if there was a way for us to determine who had the inherent proclivities for violence, murder, and psychotic episodes and in so doing, we could separate them from the rest of us ‘normal’ people? That’s the idea behind the Kathryn Taylor film, Evil Gene. FBI agent Griff Krenshaw has …

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Drunken Monkey Movie Review – Scream, Pretty Peggy (1973)

While scrolling through the YouTubes to find some cult horror films, I came across this little gem. Apparently it was a made for TV movie so don’t expect a lot of gore or foul language or, as it turns out, originality. But the title alone… How could I NOT review this? Huh? Amitrite? Hello, McFly? (cool logo over there on …

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Top 10 Sexy Horror Heroines and Villains

In one of my early articles here at the SJP I discussed my thoughts on the sexiest heroes and villains of horror tv and film. I perchance hinted at working on a list of the fairer sex in the same categories so I finally decided to do it. (Okay, uber feminists, stop calling for my head on a pike. Calm …

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Drunken Monkey Movie Reviews – #Horror (2015)

Welcome to the inaugural Drunken Monkey Movie Reviews column. As this is its maiden voyage, I can’t be certain the format will remain written. Just looking at transposing my notes, I dread the task ahead of me as this is gonna take a while. So I might switch it up to a short podcast review like I’ve done for another …