There is a double standard in this country: Show a woman naked in a film and it’s a selling point and sometimes can be the only good thing about certain movies (porn excluded). Now, a dude hangs dong and it’s mostly likely met with giggles and finger-pointing and I get flashbacks to a chubby hairless preteen Bub back in the Jr high gym class showers. Even with this ridicule I went through, I myself am just as guilty of this as anyone else. Think about the last pair of boobs you saw in a movie. Even if the woman doesn’t fit into the current standard of beauty (ie: Kathy Bates in About Schmitt hung out some extra long side boob and was praised for how brave she was…) no one bats an eye. Hell, most would argue that woman baring all helps enhance the movie going experience (I think we all know just what it “enhances” and it’s not the plot!). On the flip side when a fella drops trou chances are good the theater will erupt with laughter. I know your saying, “Well if it’s used as a comic device than that’s the expected reaction.” Clearly I’m not referring to when Jason Segal let the monster dangle in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (damn great scene!). I will not argue that when it comes to comedy the male anatomy is much more effective. But this is because we as a society have decided that dongs are funny and naked women are great. This happens to be a double standard I fully embrace.
Even though I think dudes baring all in movies is often knee slapping funny sometimes letting the monster come out to play can be the only thing people remember about a movie. Which is a damn shame because some great movies have been lost in the shadow of snake trousers (Some cast a bigger shadow than others….). So I dug deep (not that deep, really just zipper level down) and found five great movies that deserve a second chance. This time tries to keep your gaze ABOVE the waist…
5) Eastern Promises – Viggo “Hangs Out” In The Bath House
Eastern Promises is one of David Cronenberg’s greatest movies. It has so much going on: Russia mobs, Naomi Watts riding a motorcycle, Viggo being an ultimate badass… and… something about a baby… Dammit! Whenever I try to remember what the hell this movie is about all that comes is a fully nude Viggo wrestling Russian dudes in a sauna. Now I don’t doubt that Cronenberg may or may not of pitched the movie to Viggo this way, but I do know there had to be more to the film…. I hope.
4) Anti-Christ- Willem DaFoe
Lars Von Tier is a film maker with big balls. Willem DaFoe is an actor with a creepy face and (what I assume is God’s way of apologizing for said creepy face) a huge johnson. Put the two together and you get a movie starring Willem DaFoe’s ginormous wanker and something about sad women (clearly they are women who care not for endowment…). Everything I have ever read about Anti Christ can not get through a paragraph without a reference to the films abundance of (not so) Lil’ DaFoe. Too bad to because it’s a truly unsettling movie about loss, grief and sexuality. I guess when Lars Von Tier, like most people, thinks sexuality, he thinks Willem DaFoe.
3) Observe and Report- Randy Gambill Waves Hello To Seth Rogen
Rarely does a bit part ever make or break a movie. Not to shit on small roles. Viola Davis was in Doubt for no more than 10 minutes and completely stole the show. So small roles can have a huge impact on a movie. Case in point 2009’s Observe and Report. This movie came out around the same time as Kevin James’s Paul Blart mall cop movie and was completely steamed rolled. Which is shame because the masses missed out on Seth Rogen’s best movie to date and a hell of an awesome soundtrack. At the climax of the film an unbalanced mall security guard (played by Rogen) comes face to face with the object of his disillusioned obsession: A flasher who he’s been tracking since the beginning of the film. This is a scene that is shot in a beautiful slow motion sequence with an epic song (Where is my mind? By the Pixies) playing. Whats the problem you ask? It also features an out of shape Randy Gambill (a ginger character actor that you do not want to see naked.) completely in the buff running in slow motion. Not exactly the last image you want in people’s head as they leave the theater. To this day when I defend this movie I am met with snickers and down right disgust…. Come to think of it possibly has nothing to do with the ginger wiener… I think people just hated the fucking movie…
2) Bad Lieutenant (1992)- Crack Head Shuffle
Bad Lieutenant is an insanely hard movie to watch. It’s lead character is a corrupt cop (play too convincingly by Harvey Keitel) who spends his time snorting, smoking, groping, molesting, stealing, coning and everything else I imagine happens on a long weekend at the Kardashians (rimshot please!). A midst this hurricane of extreme misuse of police authority, Keitel takes a break from smoking crack and being disturbingly perverse to ….. smoke crack and dance naked in front of crack whores. Director Abel Ferrara decided early that he was going to show a man with absolutely no restrictions…including underwear.
1)Watchmen (2009)- 3 Stories of Neon Blue Billy Crudup
Love it or hate it, it is impossible to discuss Zack Snyder’s 2009 Watchmen (based of legendary comic book, written by legendary beard owner Allen Moore) without referencing the gigantic neon blue penis at least 3 times. I understand the pressure Snyder was under to make a faithful adaptation. Even when Robert Rodriguez was adapting Sin City to the big screen Frank Miller (creator of Sin City comic book) said,”Hey man a neon yellow penis would be awfully distracting. Let’s cover that up.” And it worked. You can now discuss Sin City without talking about it. Too bad Snyder didn’t heed that advice. Then again how many times do you get to pay 15 bucks to watch Billy Crudup enjoy the hell out CGI…. I assume he is the only person to enjoy that on his acting reel.