Like most Walking Dead fans, I can say with a 100% certainty that I have been a zombie from before it was cool. The hipster in me wants to bring up that I own every issue of the comic book to help prove it. Or maybe letting you know that back in 2004 I booked a private theater for a screening of Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake. Or maybe letting you know that I have a fool proof plan just in case the dead decide to rise and start looking for snack that happens to be in cased in my skull. So when Man Crates Gifts For Men (very awesome website that specializes in badass gift crates for dudes) asked me what I would include in Zombie Survival Crate, I didn’t even think twice. Now, I’m not a fool ( I did state that this plan was indeed fool proof) and I’m not going to just tell you my master plan of ruling the earth in the event of the zombie apocalypse. But, I am not heartless and will let you in on 4 mandatory items that I recommend you have with in arms reach at all times. I understand that keeping most of these items within a few feet of you for most of the day might feel like overkill, but trust me when I say that the zombie thrives on us underestimating them. Being prepared is first step in helping contain the zombie outbreak.
Having some one to watch your back is essential. With the constant threat of being turned into a human Hot Pocket, or spending all that time trying to save the last super model on the planet bearing down on you it’s impossible to come up with those one liners at just the right time. So I say don’t. Let you’re slightly out of shape (not so out of shape that we question how the hell he’s made it this far into the apocalypse), backwards cap wearing buddy handle that. Don’t forget you might need someone to sacrifice himself in order to save you and that super model from becoming zombie poo. Don’t feel too bad he’s bound to pop up again in the third act to save you when all hope is lost.
Item #2: Chainsaw
I don’t believe a chainsaw is a good weapon when fighting the undead. Yes, every zombie movie worth it’s salt features someone doing something horrific with one, but this is the real world. A chainsaw is loud, unreliable and jams up real quick. Why then would I have a chainsaw on my list? Because most people have seen these same movies and will be looking for a chainsaw. Like moths to a flame they will come swarming. Safety in numbers. Honestly, people searching for a chainsaw over food, shelter or safety aren’t going to be the brightest bulbs in the pack. These people are easily lead and help pile on to the body count in those dramatic second acts.
Item #3: Nail Clippers
Long unkempt nails are a problem. I’m not going to get graphic, but it’s the end of the world so soap and running water are a long lost luxury. This leads to not being able to properly clean your hands. So after those long battles with zombies the stuff under your nails is probably more lethal than anthrax. Keeping your nails trimmed and neat will help stop you from further spreading the zombie infection. Also, just because it’s the end of the world doesn’t mean you should give up on your appearance.
Item #4: Toilet Paper
It’s always the last thing you thought of that ends up being your undoing. Really when you think about, how awful would it be to get your flesh bitten with your pants around your ankles as you do the “No T.P. Shuffle” while frantically searching for something to clean up with. While you’re at it spring for the double ply soft kind. It’s the little thing in life that make it worth living.
So stay on your guard, and always have these items on hand and maybe, just maybe, you might make it through the zombie apocalypse.